Heartbreak Hotel

**My friend, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. I am so proud of you. I will be here to hold your hand, to guide you through, to catch you if you need to fall. You should know how much you are loved not only by me...but many others...and I promise to always remind you of this.**

Almost all of us have been through some sort of heartbreak in some form or another. My friend wrote the entry bellow and I wanted to share it with others. I can relate on so many levels...I'm sure we all can. It's a hard lesson that can only be learned by living it. It always helps to know you are not alone in your pain, that many of us have been down that road and have come out better, stronger, and happier women...I know this will be no different for my friend.

Dear God,

Dear God...dear universe...I have walked off the cliff. I have taken a leap of faith. Please catch me.

I fell in love. I felt love embrace me like a mother embracing her child... erasing the scars of past pain. I felt beautiful. I felt invincible. Love letters, gifts, skipping through the sunshine, boundless energy, endless possibilities. I became so drunk with love that I stopped watching the road. And something happened. Something I do not understand, something I will never understand. He lost his faith. In himself, in the universe, in love, in me. I tried but I couldn't help him. I was no longer the sun in his sky...nor was he mine. But I couldn't let go.

How can something be so beautiful, so powerful, yet so fleeting? Somewhere inside I believed that I would kiss him one day and he would wake up and be the prince charming that he once was again. I wanted him by my side while we walked parallel on our separate paths taking over the world with love. Warriors with weapons of art, poetry, and music.

In the past two weeks I was in a trance. As I worked, as I played as I moved, as I stood still. I dreamed I tried to scream but I had no voice. I dreamed tried to run but I could not move my legs. I took walks...I wrote in my journals. I began to eat vegan again... I began to purge my life of apathy and cruelty. But I stopped dancing. And I was still sick and sad all the time.

The day of my very first concert came. For hours before I took the stage I firmly believed I would not be able to sing. That I would open my mouth and nothing would come out. I asked my partner, I asked the tech person to turn up the microphone over and over again. They laughed and assured me I would be fine. I was sure I had no voice. But I did sing. I heard my voice through the speaker and I realized it was strong and beautiful but unsure.

I have been so unhappy. I have been waiting for something to happen. Something good, something bad. And suddenly one uneventful day I realized that I didn't have to wait. I am... the Aries warrior. I had to fight for myself. So I went to his house. Everything was there just as I had left it when I last saw him. It smelled like him. It was messy as usual. A chaos rich with beautiful memories. I filled a bag with a few of my things and I left. I drove away with the voices of all of the people who love me the most in my head telling me I deserved better, telling me that I hadn't been myself for a long time. The voice that was loudest was my own.

And now here I am. Part of me still dreams that he will wake up. I am thankful for that part of myself. It is the part that never gives up hope. I left the battle field as I came to it.... a relentless dreamer. Stubbornly optimistic and faithful.

And he sleeps still. He dreams endlessly of his past. He doesn't believe he could do better... he can be better. He looks in the mirror and he does not see a beautiful face. He sings so softly that even he cannot hear himself. It took me a while to realize that its not my fault that he is unhappy... that it is has nothing to do with me. That the little light I shined as I streaked across his heart was not enough to inspire him to evolve into someone he could believe in. Someone he could love.

Maybe this letter is long and self indulgent. But I found my voice and I am going to scream. I found my feet and I am going to run. I am going to fight for myself. And I am going to win.

Love,
(My friend)

Can You Take It?

Take what? Criticism.

I’m currently reading “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch and I'm surprisingly enjoying it despite my lack of wanting to read it in the first place.

Today I had a conversation with a friend in which we talked about how I had recently dealt with a situation that had come up in my life. After going through the motions of telling her why I did what I did, she told me “well as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters”. Since I know this friend well enough, I knew this was a BS answer. I then asked her to tell me what she really thought. She proceeded to ride me hard (or maybe I just saw it that way because I was being sensitive) about how she didn’t agree and felt my whole situation could have been avoided.

It’s funny because I hadn’t wanted to tell this friend in the first place and when I told her that, she replied “why? Because you can’t accept criticism from your friends who care about you?” I shouldn’t be surprised by this comment, anyone who knows me well knows I’m not a fan of criticism…it’s always hard for me to hear. Honestly, who’s a fan of criticism? I will admit some people are better then others…but it’s a quality I openly lack.

How ironic it is that I just happen to be reading “The Last Lecture” and I just happen to come across this passage just a few short hours after my conversation with me friend:

“When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you. That lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better."

Maybe this was a sign that I need to reevaluate the way I react when my friends/family give me advice on subjects I’m not asking for advice on.

I openly voice my frustration when I continuously lend advice to one of my best friends who seems dead set on refusing it. I seem to be able to dish it just fine…but taking it is a whole other story. Again maybe this is teaching me that I should be more understanding when my friends put my advice aside and continue on a path that I may not necessarily agree with...because regardless I will love and care about my friends.

At 24 I still feel like I learn something new everyday. I’m grateful for all the lessons I seem to be learning along the way. Today was a day where everything seemed to fall into place at exactly the right time. I am again grateful; this time for the gentle reminds that God seems to send my way.

Have a good weekend.

A Story To Tell

Taryn and I met in the summer of 2005. We were both students at The Washington Center taking a two week seminar on the Palestinian/Israeli conflict. This was Taryns first exposure to the conflict and this is what would lead her to do what she is doing today.

Taryn and I grew a lasting bond in those two weeks. We were pretty much inseparable as we laughed and cried and fought with our classmates. She is truly an amazing person. We traveled to Egypt together in the summer of 06, which then made her want to take learning Arabic seriously…and so she did.

I’m writing this post because my dear friend Taryn has just left for Palestine. She will be staying in Nablus for 2 months volunteering in refugee camps. She has started a blog not only to talk about her trip but to get the word out. To Taryn, helping the refugees learn English and computer skills is only part of the purpose. Her goal is to provide an outlet that gives people a real look into what everyday life is like for these people.

I love this girl more then I can say and I ask that each and every one of you keeps her in your prayers. She is doing remarkable things and it’s truly an inspiration to myself and many others.

I have attached the link to her blog, I have a feeling you all will really enjoy it. Please get the word out and pass this link onto others.

http://finablus.wordpress.com/

Friends

Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch your heart. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you can share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thing in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life."

-Kate Tierney

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “will you marry me?” The girl said “No!”

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, didn’t save money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her a%*, didn’t shave her underarms if she didn’t want to, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted any time she felt like it.

THE END

Everybody is free to wear sunscreen

I heard this song on an old CD the other day and thought it would be a great reminder. Everytime I hear it, I think about how true all of this is. Best line: "Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

<3 Enjoy <3

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, ,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

American Idol: New Singers, New Judge, New Rules

So it's my favorite time of the year. Yes, even after all these years I still love watching American Idol. I honestly believe this is one of the only family shows left on T.V. It's something I watch with both my parents and grandparents that we can all enjoy together.

So here are my thoughts on this past weeks opening of the Top 13 finalists and the season in general. Let me start off by saying I hate the fact that there are 4 judges, if I have to hear Kara say "I don't feel your connection to the song" one more time I might scream. I just think why mess with something that was good, and 4 people is just a waste of time. Paula really annoys me as well. You know she is going to give the contestant negative feedback if she starts off by saying "well you look beautiful". It will almost ALWAYS be followed by a BUT. Does she really think by telling a girl she looks pretty that it will make up for the fact that she sucked at singing?

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "Judges Save" rule. They can save one person who gets the fewest votes at any point now through the top five; but it has to be unanimous. Nobody will be eliminated that week; the next week, two people will get cut and they can only use it one time. If I were a contestant I would rather get kicked off in the later rounds because to be honest American Idol often does a really bad job of marketing the person who wins. So many people who were kicked off in past seasons got their names out there and were able to get great opportunities following the show. I just think it's pointless for the judges to be able to save one person when the whole point of the show is that America get's to vote!

I was so happy when I heard they would be singing Michael Jackson songs, what a way to kick it off. I have never been this impressed by the top finalists! This might just be one of my favorite seasons because there are so many good people. It's actually a lot harder and I think many of these people will go on to do great things even if they don't make it to the end. Usually on the opening night people tend to be really nervous and the majority of them don't really have their finest hour. This is the first time ever where I didn't hear myself say "OMG that was really bad!!". For the most part I think everyone did well but there are defiantly people I'm not to impressed by:



Megan Corkey

I think she kind of has this funky little voice, but nothing that makes me say WOW. Although I though it was cheesy for her to sing Rockin Robin it fit her voice in a weird sort of way. I also serisouly can not stand the way she twists from side to side while singing. Does anyone else notice this or is it just me?

Scott MacIntyre

Scott's story is amazing, but come on guy's...he's really not that great of a singer! He was born blind, started college at 14, and is a talented musician (he's great behind the piano!), I really want to like him, but he just does not do it for me. I hope it's his voice and not his story that keeps getting him along in this (let's all say it together now) singing competition.

Michael Sarver

Another person, with yet another story. I think he did well this week, I just don't think he stands a chance against people like Danny, Matt, and Adam! Oh I will get to them :)

AnoppDog

I love this kid. He's Desi (which I think is awesome lol) has a good voice and is just a likable person. I think the judges were way to hard on him this week. I understand "Beat It" is an untouchable song but I think he did really well with it. Plus if it's so "untouchable" don't put it in the song book!

I have the hotts for Matt Giraud! He honestly reminds me A LOT of JT and every time he sings I'm loving it. I hope he goes far!



Oh boy watch out for Danny Gokey, I knew from the first time I heard him sing that he would do so well. I wont be as bold as Paula and say he's gonna make it to the finals (it's only week one) but he's defiantly a person to look out for!


Adam is great but he's screaming and screeching is not my cup of tea.


My favorite girls by far are Alexis and Allison...I hope there are many more weeks of them to come! Oh ya, Lil has a good voice but I think she has to grow on me. Plus I feel like she comes off as if she already knows she's great and I don't like that.



I was soooooooooooooo happy to say goodbye to Jasmine last night, I don't think she should have ever made it through in the first place. I felt bad for Jorge, but it's a tough competition and you have to bring it every week.

I'm so excited to see how things play out throughout the season. I'm sure I'll keep my thoughts posted!

I'm off to NYC this weekend. I talked to an old friend this week and decided to go on a whim. I'm really excited to get out of D.C for a little while...I need this!

Sarah Out :P


P.S I also really enjoy Kris, but I'm gonna have to say he's forgettable since I didn't even think to include him!

Back To Reality

I feel like I'm being much too lazy these days, and I'm determined to snap out of it! I should be taking serious advantage of my much needed time off, but I feel like I have not been as productive as I truly should be. My new goal is to sleep earlier, wake up earlier, work out more often (I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET BACK ON THIS), eat better, read more book, watch less T.V, blog when I can, and look for jobs (which I have already been doing!). Am I aiming to high? I would like to think not. I just have to be serious about getting on a better schedule. I honestly didn't think I would go this long without a job. I have truly enjoyed the last two months of pretty much doing NOTHING, but I think it's time to get back on the right track.

So every year we all think of things we need to work on. I gave up on new years resolutions a long time ago, because I was always disappointed when I never truly stuck to it. I feel like it's time to bring it back. I know I can do anything if I really want to; I just have to put my best foot forward and work hard...even if it kills me.

I'm only going to start with three; anymore then that and I know I will fall short. Start small and work your way up, it's the only way for me at least.

Stay Organized: In general I'm a pretty organized person, but I know I can do better. If I prioritization my time and come up with a good schedule/routine I know I can accomplish so much more. I bought myself a planner and have really been using it...but I guess that's not such a big deal since I don't exactly have a ton going on right now. I carry it in my purse, and surprisingly I find myself wondering "why have I never done this before". It's nice to be able to look through and see: I have an interview on Monday, dinner date on Wednesday, and I better not forget to wish my friend a Happy Birthday on Friday.

Work Out: I have a love hate relationship with the gym. I love going, every time I get on a treadmill/elliptical I feel like I could go on for hours. When I walk out of the gym I feel so refreshed and can't wait to come back. So then what's the big deal? Getting there! I always say "I'm going to go to the gym today" and then I some how always find a way out of it. Last summer I was working out with a trainer two times a week, going to the gym on my own once a week, and taking a belly dancing class once a week. I had not felt so good since my softball days when skipping a workout was never even a thought. Unemployment does not help my situation, but I have to stop using that as an excuse, I didn't buy those Biggest Loser workout DVD's for nothing (believe it or not, it really is a killer workout). I have to find ways to be creative and get back in shape...I know I'll feel so much more energized and that's just what I need right about now.

Patience: It's funny that I come to this last, because it by far needs to be at the top of my list. We all have something we know about ourselves that we truly must work on but always find a way of saying "this is who I am". Innallaha-maa-as-Sabereen, God is with those who have patience. I feel like I need to walk around saying that until I live it and breathe it. It upsets me to know that the best of people are those who have patience and it's something I severely lack. When I want something I want it then and there, and I’m bad at taking “no” for an answer. I know better then anyone else that life does not work out that way, but still I must remind myself "BE PATIENT". I face things in my everyday life that force to me learn how to be more patient I almost feel like it's God's way of telling me "I'm going to make you to learn this trait if you like it or not". This is just another reminder of how blessed I really am. As much as I don’t believe I have any of this beautiful thing in me, I know it’s not fully the case. I have dealt with many things in life where I proved to myself and many others that I have what it takes. I just need to find a way to bring it out on my own and not only when I’m “forced”. I have just realized how much this effects not only myself but the people around me. I know this will benefit me in the best of ways and I hope the people closest to me will bare this in mind and always be willing to provide me with a nice reminder.

So I'm going to work hard on these three things. If I put my mind to it I know it will happen.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....

So This Is The New Year, And I Don't Feel Any Different

Oh but contrary to the Death Cab song, I do feel different, very different!

It's been a while! I find myself saying that with every new post since they have started to become so few and far between. It's only been a handful of months since my last entry but it already feels like a lifetime ago. A new President, a new year, a new job (sooner then later I hope!), and new friends :)

Congratulations to both Rudy and Mai on their weddings! They were both so beautiful in their own ways, and I'm so happy I got to be there to celebrate your special day. Rudy, if the time comes…you can help plan my wedding any day!

What an amazing time in history to be alive. To one day be able to look back and say I remember the day Barack Obama was elected, will be an amazing story for my kids and grand kids. On the other hand they may just think history is really boring, and hopefully by the time they can comprehend such things the idea of an African American becoming our commander-in-chief will no longer seem like such a big deal....and they will wonder "how was there ever a time where this was not normal". I truly look forward to that.

So I'm back and I'm jobless, what more can I say? ALOT! So although I'm jobless and currently have no cash flow...I'm somewhat enjoying this time. I feel like I'm in college again...sleeping at 3 or 4am (it's 2:15am as I'm typing this) and waking up at noon. If you would have asked me a month ago I would have said it was awesome...now I'm starting to think I'm REALLY over it and ready to get back to a normal life style, a normal schedule, and a normal paycheck! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the few opportunities I have been presented with. I would love nothing more then to get a job this month and magically be able to afford two tickets to see Death Can on April 8th...now that would be a way to celebrate! I also happen to need a new iphone since I cracked my screen when I dropped it this week!!!! At least it's still working (alhamdulilah!) so it could be worse. The sliver lining..it's a new thing I'm trying out ;)

I have spent most of the last two months really reaping the benefits of Netflix. I only wish I had started to use it a long time ago. I can't stop getting hooked on new shows which I have a feeling I will soon come to regret...god knows I already watch enough damn TV! Can I just say that Rudy has it spot on when she says "Entourage is Sex and The City for men" hahaha. I can't get enough of that show! It some how makes me see LA in a whole new light.

It's been way to long. I feel like I have so much to say but want to save it for another day...it gives me a reason to come back and write. I have been so damn lazy, I def need to this to get my brain working again.

Other then watching new T.V shows/movies...I have gotten the chance to catch up on a lot of reading and I love it! Got any good books for me to add to the never ending list? Let me know!

I'm really proud of one said friend. She's what made me want to get on and write today. She's actually the person who makes me want to stop being lazy and start making things happen. It’s inspiring to see someone get out there and do all the things they want to do. Be it starting a band or a new blog..nothing seems to big for this friend. So thank you for what you bring to my life.

I still have things left on my "To Do List" from last May (I SERIOUSLY can not believe it's almost been a year!) and as soon as I get a job I vow to make those things happen. I wish I updated this more often and I think it's time to get on it. Said friend, you know who you are...let's start coming up with blog ideas....I can't wait. But what I really can't wait for is your blog!

So my brain is all over the place, this is a great thing! I'll be posting more..I feel it. Hope you have missed me...and look out b/c it's a new year and it's definitely and new Sarah (yes the old me just might truly be dead and gone)

Reading before bed…this is the life!