Heartbreak Hotel

**My friend, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. I am so proud of you. I will be here to hold your hand, to guide you through, to catch you if you need to fall. You should know how much you are loved not only by me...but many others...and I promise to always remind you of this.**

Almost all of us have been through some sort of heartbreak in some form or another. My friend wrote the entry bellow and I wanted to share it with others. I can relate on so many levels...I'm sure we all can. It's a hard lesson that can only be learned by living it. It always helps to know you are not alone in your pain, that many of us have been down that road and have come out better, stronger, and happier women...I know this will be no different for my friend.

Dear God,

Dear God...dear universe...I have walked off the cliff. I have taken a leap of faith. Please catch me.

I fell in love. I felt love embrace me like a mother embracing her child... erasing the scars of past pain. I felt beautiful. I felt invincible. Love letters, gifts, skipping through the sunshine, boundless energy, endless possibilities. I became so drunk with love that I stopped watching the road. And something happened. Something I do not understand, something I will never understand. He lost his faith. In himself, in the universe, in love, in me. I tried but I couldn't help him. I was no longer the sun in his sky...nor was he mine. But I couldn't let go.

How can something be so beautiful, so powerful, yet so fleeting? Somewhere inside I believed that I would kiss him one day and he would wake up and be the prince charming that he once was again. I wanted him by my side while we walked parallel on our separate paths taking over the world with love. Warriors with weapons of art, poetry, and music.

In the past two weeks I was in a trance. As I worked, as I played as I moved, as I stood still. I dreamed I tried to scream but I had no voice. I dreamed tried to run but I could not move my legs. I took walks...I wrote in my journals. I began to eat vegan again... I began to purge my life of apathy and cruelty. But I stopped dancing. And I was still sick and sad all the time.

The day of my very first concert came. For hours before I took the stage I firmly believed I would not be able to sing. That I would open my mouth and nothing would come out. I asked my partner, I asked the tech person to turn up the microphone over and over again. They laughed and assured me I would be fine. I was sure I had no voice. But I did sing. I heard my voice through the speaker and I realized it was strong and beautiful but unsure.

I have been so unhappy. I have been waiting for something to happen. Something good, something bad. And suddenly one uneventful day I realized that I didn't have to wait. I am... the Aries warrior. I had to fight for myself. So I went to his house. Everything was there just as I had left it when I last saw him. It smelled like him. It was messy as usual. A chaos rich with beautiful memories. I filled a bag with a few of my things and I left. I drove away with the voices of all of the people who love me the most in my head telling me I deserved better, telling me that I hadn't been myself for a long time. The voice that was loudest was my own.

And now here I am. Part of me still dreams that he will wake up. I am thankful for that part of myself. It is the part that never gives up hope. I left the battle field as I came to it.... a relentless dreamer. Stubbornly optimistic and faithful.

And he sleeps still. He dreams endlessly of his past. He doesn't believe he could do better... he can be better. He looks in the mirror and he does not see a beautiful face. He sings so softly that even he cannot hear himself. It took me a while to realize that its not my fault that he is unhappy... that it is has nothing to do with me. That the little light I shined as I streaked across his heart was not enough to inspire him to evolve into someone he could believe in. Someone he could love.

Maybe this letter is long and self indulgent. But I found my voice and I am going to scream. I found my feet and I am going to run. I am going to fight for myself. And I am going to win.

Love,
(My friend)

Can You Take It?

Take what? Criticism.

I’m currently reading “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch and I'm surprisingly enjoying it despite my lack of wanting to read it in the first place.

Today I had a conversation with a friend in which we talked about how I had recently dealt with a situation that had come up in my life. After going through the motions of telling her why I did what I did, she told me “well as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters”. Since I know this friend well enough, I knew this was a BS answer. I then asked her to tell me what she really thought. She proceeded to ride me hard (or maybe I just saw it that way because I was being sensitive) about how she didn’t agree and felt my whole situation could have been avoided.

It’s funny because I hadn’t wanted to tell this friend in the first place and when I told her that, she replied “why? Because you can’t accept criticism from your friends who care about you?” I shouldn’t be surprised by this comment, anyone who knows me well knows I’m not a fan of criticism…it’s always hard for me to hear. Honestly, who’s a fan of criticism? I will admit some people are better then others…but it’s a quality I openly lack.

How ironic it is that I just happen to be reading “The Last Lecture” and I just happen to come across this passage just a few short hours after my conversation with me friend:

“When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you. That lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better."

Maybe this was a sign that I need to reevaluate the way I react when my friends/family give me advice on subjects I’m not asking for advice on.

I openly voice my frustration when I continuously lend advice to one of my best friends who seems dead set on refusing it. I seem to be able to dish it just fine…but taking it is a whole other story. Again maybe this is teaching me that I should be more understanding when my friends put my advice aside and continue on a path that I may not necessarily agree with...because regardless I will love and care about my friends.

At 24 I still feel like I learn something new everyday. I’m grateful for all the lessons I seem to be learning along the way. Today was a day where everything seemed to fall into place at exactly the right time. I am again grateful; this time for the gentle reminds that God seems to send my way.

Have a good weekend.

A Story To Tell

Taryn and I met in the summer of 2005. We were both students at The Washington Center taking a two week seminar on the Palestinian/Israeli conflict. This was Taryns first exposure to the conflict and this is what would lead her to do what she is doing today.

Taryn and I grew a lasting bond in those two weeks. We were pretty much inseparable as we laughed and cried and fought with our classmates. She is truly an amazing person. We traveled to Egypt together in the summer of 06, which then made her want to take learning Arabic seriously…and so she did.

I’m writing this post because my dear friend Taryn has just left for Palestine. She will be staying in Nablus for 2 months volunteering in refugee camps. She has started a blog not only to talk about her trip but to get the word out. To Taryn, helping the refugees learn English and computer skills is only part of the purpose. Her goal is to provide an outlet that gives people a real look into what everyday life is like for these people.

I love this girl more then I can say and I ask that each and every one of you keeps her in your prayers. She is doing remarkable things and it’s truly an inspiration to myself and many others.

I have attached the link to her blog, I have a feeling you all will really enjoy it. Please get the word out and pass this link onto others.

http://finablus.wordpress.com/