Heartbreak Hotel

**My friend, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. I am so proud of you. I will be here to hold your hand, to guide you through, to catch you if you need to fall. You should know how much you are loved not only by me...but many others...and I promise to always remind you of this.**

Almost all of us have been through some sort of heartbreak in some form or another. My friend wrote the entry bellow and I wanted to share it with others. I can relate on so many levels...I'm sure we all can. It's a hard lesson that can only be learned by living it. It always helps to know you are not alone in your pain, that many of us have been down that road and have come out better, stronger, and happier women...I know this will be no different for my friend.

Dear God,

Dear God...dear universe...I have walked off the cliff. I have taken a leap of faith. Please catch me.

I fell in love. I felt love embrace me like a mother embracing her child... erasing the scars of past pain. I felt beautiful. I felt invincible. Love letters, gifts, skipping through the sunshine, boundless energy, endless possibilities. I became so drunk with love that I stopped watching the road. And something happened. Something I do not understand, something I will never understand. He lost his faith. In himself, in the universe, in love, in me. I tried but I couldn't help him. I was no longer the sun in his sky...nor was he mine. But I couldn't let go.

How can something be so beautiful, so powerful, yet so fleeting? Somewhere inside I believed that I would kiss him one day and he would wake up and be the prince charming that he once was again. I wanted him by my side while we walked parallel on our separate paths taking over the world with love. Warriors with weapons of art, poetry, and music.

In the past two weeks I was in a trance. As I worked, as I played as I moved, as I stood still. I dreamed I tried to scream but I had no voice. I dreamed tried to run but I could not move my legs. I took walks...I wrote in my journals. I began to eat vegan again... I began to purge my life of apathy and cruelty. But I stopped dancing. And I was still sick and sad all the time.

The day of my very first concert came. For hours before I took the stage I firmly believed I would not be able to sing. That I would open my mouth and nothing would come out. I asked my partner, I asked the tech person to turn up the microphone over and over again. They laughed and assured me I would be fine. I was sure I had no voice. But I did sing. I heard my voice through the speaker and I realized it was strong and beautiful but unsure.

I have been so unhappy. I have been waiting for something to happen. Something good, something bad. And suddenly one uneventful day I realized that I didn't have to wait. I am... the Aries warrior. I had to fight for myself. So I went to his house. Everything was there just as I had left it when I last saw him. It smelled like him. It was messy as usual. A chaos rich with beautiful memories. I filled a bag with a few of my things and I left. I drove away with the voices of all of the people who love me the most in my head telling me I deserved better, telling me that I hadn't been myself for a long time. The voice that was loudest was my own.

And now here I am. Part of me still dreams that he will wake up. I am thankful for that part of myself. It is the part that never gives up hope. I left the battle field as I came to it.... a relentless dreamer. Stubbornly optimistic and faithful.

And he sleeps still. He dreams endlessly of his past. He doesn't believe he could do better... he can be better. He looks in the mirror and he does not see a beautiful face. He sings so softly that even he cannot hear himself. It took me a while to realize that its not my fault that he is unhappy... that it is has nothing to do with me. That the little light I shined as I streaked across his heart was not enough to inspire him to evolve into someone he could believe in. Someone he could love.

Maybe this letter is long and self indulgent. But I found my voice and I am going to scream. I found my feet and I am going to run. I am going to fight for myself. And I am going to win.

Love,
(My friend)